Thursday, May 17, 2012

Sticking up for my unborn

We recently found out that we're expecting another boy!

At first everyone thought that it was a girl because my morning sickness was considerably more intense, and then the gynaecologist also suspected that it was a girl. He said he was 85% sure.

So there we are walking around for 3 weeks certain it was a girl, buying pink. And then at the next gynae appointment we saw without a doubt that it was a boy! One cant imagine the presence of a certain anatomy that is missing with a little girl!

The first time you have a baby you are just so thrilled with whatever you get. The second time around there is an unspoken pressure and expectation - mostly from other people. Everyone has a comment on how I must just be wanting a little girl next, and how that would be so perfect - almost setting up an 'external' expectation in myself. A Pigeon Pair - they call it. So you start imagining the life that could be with 1 boy and 1 girl. Perfect in theory. Textbook.

And then you find out that its another boy. Another E? That's all I know - raising a boy. No pink? I thought about the scenario I might find myself in that it would be another boy instead of a girl. I wondered if I would be disappointed on hearing the news. Would I feel as if I was being short-changed? But when I heard the confirmation of the sex I felt disbelief, yes, but disappointment - no way! I was actually quite surprised that I wasn't disappointed. 

But immediately after the surprise of this news, I felt a different emotion, a very strong emotion. It was defensive. Protective.

Defensive of my unborn child towards the world. Protective of his uniqueness, his right to be special in this world. Just as special as his big brother. My heart hurt for him even at this early age. When E came into the world he was so anticipated and celebrated. The firstborn on both sides of the family. The first boy in 50 years on the one side of the family. The first baby out of our group of friends. He was cooed over and made such a fuss of. To the degree that I felt claustrophobic of all the attention we were getting. 

So when I broke the news that my other baby was in fact another boy I couldn't help but pick up a sense of disappointment from others. Some outwardly expressed their disappointment, and some tried their best to cover it. The novelty of a little feminine energy wasn't happening anymore.

So understand my defensiveness, my protectiveness. The need to promote how truly special this little one is in his own way. Yes, it is hard for me to imagine how another boy can bring something so different to E. E has fulfilled all my expectations. He is the apple of my eye, and everything I could expect an angel boy to be. But my prayer every day is that this second one will be born with the same love and specialness as the other. That he will be valued and cherished for who HE is and not as a mini E. That he will have the opportunity to show his own idiosyncrasies and quirks without having to stand in the shadow of his big brother.

I will make sure that happens my little prince, your Mom is your biggest advocate!

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